Do What You Have to Do
by Ryu Reikai-Akuma
Summary: Spin off from I Will Remember You. He had been left behind. But it was his choice to wait. Perfect Pair. Angst. Songfic
1. version 1

A/N: This was finished, like, two weeks ago? But I decided not to ruin your fun with my forced fluffy mode in Lucky. So here it is, an angsty story as usual. Anyway, this is a spin off from one of my older fic, I Will Remember You. There are two versions of that story and this is the spin off from the first part so there will be a 'sequel' in this, too. Many thanks to aniprincess_13 for her beta work. I hope I didn't kill you by flooding you with beta works XDD Enjoy, minna!!

Disclaimer: The song and the characters don't belong to me. I gain no profit from writing this and posting it.

**Do What You Have to Do**

**

* * *

**_What ravages of spirit  
Conjured this tempestuous rage  
Created you a monster  
Broken by the rules of love  
And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do  
And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do ...  
I have the sense to recognize that  
I don't know how to let you go

* * *

  
_

Nothing changed in the silent room. The time stood still there and the place remained as a monument to a time past that would never return. And what a monument it was, cold and proud and passionless. It was meticulously organized, ready to welcome visitors of the past, those who could not completely let go of what had gone for what might be forever.

Despite all his passion in preserving memory, Fuji almost despised his old room in his parents' house. He hated how it brought back without fail all the memories that he knew he was supposed to forget. They were painful in their intensity as they teased him mercilessly with the phantom whispers and embraces of the past, colder than the room could be. He wished he could block them from his mind, but he couldn't, persistent as they were. Fuji was almost relieved when he said goodbye to his mother that morning before he left to his office, exhausted by his pointless battle against the past.

His mother was a little disappointed that he had to leave so early. She had been looking forward to yesterday, wanting to use the occasion of her birthday as an excuse to bring all three of her adult children home. She wasn't aware of one of her children's reluctance to return and Fuji intended on keeping that way, not wanting to disappoint her in her special day. But only so much he could take and he left early in the morning, using the excuse of work to leave the house immediately.

"Aniki."

Fuji stopped when he heard that voice. He turned back with a smile, facing Yuuta's slight frown. When was the last time he really smiled, Fuji briefly wondered. It seemed like an eternity since genuine happiness curved his lips into a smile. He knew that his smiles could no longer fool his brother. No, he had known better than to buy Fuji's pleasant lies. He knew what Fuji hid behind that beautiful but sharp curve of lips. He recognized the sorrow in Fuji's eyes. The mask had cracked, revealing more and more of the true person beneath.

"Forget about him." Yuuta ordered almost angrily. And Fuji knew that it him more than anyone else that Yuuta was angry to. How could he not? Fuji himself loathed this self he created for the sake of others, the shell he had reverted into. Was that person even worth it? _He_, who had left him behind wordlessly, selfishly? Was _he_ worth the pain Fuji had to go through as he tried to move on?

But hadn't he himself made his decision? Hadn't he chosen to stay and wait for what might never be? Wasn't he the one who silently urged that person to pursue the brilliant future they knew was waiting for him? Hadn't he decided to take the path of pain, patience and anxiety?

The smile he offered gave no comfort to Yuuta. But it was a truthful answer to his demand. Fuji knew Yuuta could see the pain even clearer now as he wasn't even trying to disguise it. It was the truth. It was his painful truth.

"I can't."

_

* * *

Every moment marked  
With apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
Trying to escape this desire  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
And I have the sense to recognize  
That I don't know how  
To let you go  
I don't know how  
To let you go

* * *

  
_

What kept him here, Fuji would occasionally wonder. Wasn't he just torturing himself with uncertainty? Fuji searched for a reason to leave and found many. The he asked himself why he stayed and found just one single answer. And it was enough to keep him here, entrapped by bittersweet memories.

Was it cruel if Fuji wished _his_ path was as thorny as his? Was it cruel if he wanted _him_ to feel at least a shard of pain that he experienced every single second they were apart? Was it cruel if he wished _he_ retracted that final goodbye? Was it cruel if he occasionally wanted him to turn away from the life _he_ had chosen? Was it cruel to wish that _he_ also woke up every morning with the painful memory of a face in a dream that might never come true? Was it cruel to hope that _he_ searched for a familiar face in the crowd of strangers? Was it cruel if he pursued _him_ in the land of dreams?

Fuji smiled wistfully to the clear blue sky on the other side of the glass window. The decisions they had made, though they had been kids then, were adult decisions. It was final. They had realized the consequences. Fuji had known the price he must pay. He must be ready for it. He must stay and wait, forever if need be. This was his role, to welcome _him_ if _he_ returned, to offer affection and warmth and understanding and forgiveness, whatever _he_ wanted because Fuji knew he was the only one who could give his everything unconditionally if _he_ so desired. Yes, this was the role he had assumed.

"Tezuka-san, let me introduce you to our new partner in this project. Fuji Syuusuke is one of the best in this field in Japan." The name made Fuji's heart skip a beat. Hadn't Fate played with his heart enough? Preparing himself for disappointment, Fuji turned to face his new business partner.

But, oh, how cruel Fate was! Why tempt him this way? Why allow him to hope? Fuji struggled to keep himself still, playing his part just a little longer, taking in Tezuka's unchanging appearance, an apparition from the past. Yes, this was Tezuka, the boy who left him with a quiet goodbye so many years ago, the boy he feel in love with, the man he was in love with, the man he would always be in love with.

Fuji approached Tezuka slowly, aware of the role he must play. He gave him time to consider. What did Tezuka wish to do now? Should they pretend like there was nothing between them? Should they move on? Would Tezuka give him a second chance of happiness? Would he give them a second chance to be happy?

Fuji found only surprise in Tezuka's face but he was patient. He would wait for his answer even if it took forever. "Ohisashiburi, Tezuka-san." He would wait.

_

* * *

A glowing ember  
Burning hot  
Burning slow  
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
Of existing for only you  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do

* * *

  
_

Perhaps he was only taking advantage of Tezuka but Fuji was sure that he only bowed to Tezuka's silent desires. He held himself back that night, going as slowly as possible to give Tezuka time to refuse, to push him back, to tell him that everything was over. But not a single word of protest came all night, delighting Fuji and frightened him at the same time, undoing his control at the peak of pleasure.

Now as Fuji lay next to Tezuka, he feared for the worst. Would that nearly violent sign of affection drive Tezuka away? Would that give away Fuji's unrelenting need and deep endless affection for him? Fuji almost hated Tezuka for uncovering his disguise so easily. No one else would be able to bring out his true self, his true passion. No one but Tezuka. And he was the one and the only one Fuji gave the privilege of seeing his true self. Fuji was bound to him from the very second they met. He belonged to Tezuka, but who did Tezuka belong to?

Fuji peered at Tezuka, watching him staring at the dark ceiling above. What was he thinking? Fuji wanted to hold him tighter because he felt Tezuka was drifting away from him but remembered his place. He could only wonder quietly, wishing that he could reach out for him, feeling the distance between them growing. Was he thinking of leaving? Was he thinking of staying? Would he be hurt again? Would he ever be happy again?

"Tezuka?"

Tezuka looked at him through the curtain of darkness and wordlessly answered him. Fuji easily saw the confusion in his eyes along with affection and fear that he knew were reflected in his own eyes. He could feel them within his soul, seeking the warm embrace of it that Fuji never hesitated to give. He understood, he always did.

He didn't hesitate to kiss when Tezuka leaned down slightly because he knew Tezuka needed the connection and reassurance. With a sigh Fuji rolled on top of him for the second time that night, offering him everything he had. He watched as Tezuka hesitate but smiled anyway and waited and not persuaded because that's what Tezuka wanted him to do. He ignored the pain of passion, acutely aware of the role he was taking.

He has to wait.

_

* * *

And I have sense to recognize but  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go

* * *

  
_

Perhaps he should've ended it after that night. Perhaps he should've pretended nothing ever happened. Perhaps he should ignore Tezuka's unspoken needs. Perhaps he should've forgotten Tezuka. Perhaps he should move on.

But Fuji found himself glancing a second too long across the table. He found himself brushing hands with him when they walked side by side on vacant corridors. He found himself kissing Tezuka passionately in empty elevators. He found himself kissing Tezuka goodbye every morning before leaving after sharing pleasure all night long in Tezuka's hotel room.

The brilliance that his schoolmates had praised him for was gone. What little of it that remained agreed to Yuuta, reminding him over and over again of his agony over the past years. It told him to leave, to stop hurting himself, to find happiness elsewhere because he deserved to be happy, he deserved someone who chose him and his happiness over anything else.

But here he was, staring quietly at the wall of his office, listening intently to the ticking clock, waiting once again for Tezuka. He had given him choices the day they met after so long. He had offered Tezuka everything he had and after all the delay, it could wait no longer. Tezuka must make his decision today, to leave for a secure future or to stay and face the unknown with Fuji. The decision was in Tezuka's hand. All Fuji could do was to wait. He listened to the soft ticking of the hands of time, not knowing whether to want it to move faster or slower.

Perhaps he should apologize to Yuuta. After many years of strained relationship, they had finally acknowledged the fact that they cared deeply and wished for nothing but the best for each other. Yuuta had witnessed his suffering for many years and had kept his silence until he had had enough and demanded him to move on and forget and smile like he was supposed to. Yumiko's smile told Fuji that she knew, that she, too, wish for him to find his happiness. He didn't want her to read his future, fearing what he would learn then. Which was more painful, the anxiety for the unknown future or the knowledge of it?

His smile slowly lost its effect, his mask had slowly shattered to irreparable. His parents could read grief in him. He could no longer hide the pain stabbing his heart by every second he spent on his own. It was too obvious. It hurt too much for him to hide. It hurt too much for him to breath. It hurt too much for him to take. It hurt too much for him to move on.

Why? Why can't he just forget? Why wouldn't he allow himself to be happy? Why wouldn't he stop torturing himself with these hopes? Why couldn't he just forget Tezuka?

The answer was simple but true. He loves him.

He loves him with all his heart, his soul, his entire being. He had chosen where Tezuka couldn't. He chose him. He chose to love him, to wait for him, to keep loving him, to always love him. He understood the risk, took it even though he didn't know if the result would be worth it. He chose to crush his dreams and hopes that rose without fail every morning, at night when he lay alone in his bed, wishing for a familiar warmth to embrace his cold heart. He chose to not cry because it would bring nothing but more pain in the realization that he could not, would not take back his choice. He had chosen to love Tezuka.

Fuji closed his eyes and took a deep calming breath but the pain stayed, made his chest tighten more painfully than ever. He wished he would stop hoping but he couldn't. Despite all the hurt, there was that sliver of hope in his heart, the tiny thing that he clutched onto with all his might. Fuji smiled bitterly, knowing he lost this battle once again.

The time clicked by, past the time Tezuka was scheduled to return to the future he had built for himself.

And Fuji kept waiting.

O-WA-RI

A/N: I've wanted to do this for the longest time but didn't have the chance until recently. Will post the 'next chapter' in like, two days. Hope you like this. And a tiny little announcement, to those who are not too familiar with the songs that inspired my songfics, there is a link to my MF song folder in the sidebar of my LJ. The LJ link is in my profile page. And now... comment, please? *is dying of lack of comment*


	2. version 2

A/N: this is almost identical to the first chapter except for the ending. Enjoy!

**Do What You Have to Do**

**

* * *

**

_What ravages of spirit  
Conjured this tempestuous rage  
Created you a monster  
Broken by the rules of love  
And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do  
And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do ...  
I have the sense to recognize that  
I don't know how to let you go

* * *

  
_

Nothing changed in the silent room. The time stood still there and the place remained as a monument to a time past that would never return. And what a monument it was, cold and proud and passionless. It was meticulously organized, ready to welcome visitors of the past, those who could not completely let go of what had gone for what might be forever.

Despite all his passion in preserving memory, Fuji almost despised his old room in his parents' house. He hated how it brought back without fail all the memories that he knew he was supposed to forget. They were painful in their intensity as they teased him mercilessly with the phantom whispers and embraces of the past, colder than the room could be. He wished he could block them from his mind, but he couldn't, persistent as they were. Fuji was almost relieved when he said goodbye to his mother that morning before he left to his office, exhausted by his pointless battle against the past.

His mother was a little disappointed that he had to leave so early. She had been looking forward to yesterday, wanting to use the occasion of her birthday as an excuse to bring all three of her adult children home. She wasn't aware of one of her children's reluctance to return and Fuji intended on keeping that way, not wanting to disappoint her in her special day. But only so much he could take and he left early in the morning, using the excuse of work to leave the house immediately.

"Aniki."

Fuji stopped when he heard that voice. He turned back with a smile, facing Yuuta's slight frown. When was the last time he really smiled, Fuji briefly wondered. It seemed like an eternity since genuine happiness curved his lips into a smile. He knew that his smiles could no longer fool his brother. No, he had known better than to buy Fuji's pleasant lies. He knew what Fuji hid behind that beautiful but sharp curve of lips. He recognized the sorrow in Fuji's eyes. The mask had cracked, revealing more and more of the true person beneath.

"Forget about him." Yuuta ordered almost angrily. And Fuji knew that it him more than anyone else that Yuuta was angry to. How could he not? Fuji himself loathed this self he created for the sake of others, the shell he had reverted into. Was that person even worth it? _He_, who had left him behind wordlessly, selfishly? Was _he_ worth the pain Fuji had to go through as he tried to move on?

But hadn't he himself made his decision? Hadn't he chosen to stay and wait for what might never be? Wasn't he the one who silently urged that person to pursue the brilliant future they knew was waiting for him? Hadn't he decided to take the path of pain, patience and anxiety?

The smile he offered gave no comfort to Yuuta. But it was a truthful answer to his demand. Fuji knew Yuuta could see the pain even clearer now as he wasn't even trying to disguise it. It was the truth. It was his painful truth.

"I can't."

_

* * *

Every moment marked  
With apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
Trying to escape this desire  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do  
And I have the sense to recognize  
That I don't know how  
To let you go  
I don't know how  
To let you go

* * *

  
_

What kept him here, Fuji would occasionally wonder. Wasn't he just torturing himself with uncertainty? Fuji searched for a reason to leave and found many. The he asked himself why he stayed and found just one single answer. And it was enough to keep him here, entrapped by bittersweet memories.

Was it cruel if Fuji wished _his_ path was as thorny as his? Was it cruel if he wanted _him_ to feel at least a shard of pain that he experienced every single second they were apart? Was it cruel if he wished _he_ retracted that final goodbye? Was it cruel if he occasionally wanted him to turn away from the life _he_ had chosen? Was it cruel to wish that _he_ also woke up every morning with the painful memory of a face in a dream that might never come true? Was it cruel to hope that _he_ searched for a familiar face in the crowd of strangers? Was it cruel if he pursued _him_ in the land of dreams?

Fuji smiled wistfully to the clear blue sky on the other side of the glass window. The decisions they had made, though they had been kids then, were adult decisions. It was final. They had realized the consequences. Fuji had known the price he must pay. He must be ready for it. He must stay and wait, forever if need be. This was his role, to welcome _him_ if _he_ returned, to offer affection and warmth and understanding and forgiveness, whatever _he_ wanted because Fuji knew he was the only one who could give his everything unconditionally if _he_ so desired. Yes, this was the role he had assumed.

"Tezuka-san, let me introduce you to our new partner in this project. Fuji Syuusuke is one of the best in this field in Japan." The name made Fuji's heart skip a beat. Hadn't Fate played with his heart enough? Preparing himself for disappointment, Fuji turned to face his new business partner.

But, oh, how cruel Fate was! Why tempt him this way? Why allow him to hope? Fuji struggled to keep himself still, playing his part just a little longer, taking in Tezuka's unchanging appearance, an apparition from the past. Yes, this was Tezuka, the boy who left him with a quiet goodbye so many years ago, the boy he feel in love with, the man he was in love with, the man he would always be in love with.

Fuji approached Tezuka slowly, aware of the role he must play. He gave him time to consider. What did Tezuka wish to do now? Should they pretend like there was nothing between them? Should they move on? Would Tezuka give him a second chance of happiness? Would he give them a second chance to be happy?

Fuji found only surprise in Tezuka's face but he was patient. He would wait for his answer even if it took forever. "Ohisashiburi, Tezuka-san." He would wait.

_

* * *

A glowing ember  
Burning hot  
Burning slow  
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence  
Of existing for only you  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do  
I know I can't be with you  
I do what I have to do

* * *

  
_

Perhaps he was only taking advantage of Tezuka but Fuji was sure that he only bowed to Tezuka's silent desires. He held himself back that night, going as slowly as possible to give Tezuka time to refuse, to push him back, to tell him that everything was over. But not a single word of protest came all night, delighting Fuji and frightened him at the same time, undoing his control at the peak of pleasure.

Now as Fuji lay next to Tezuka, he feared for the worst. Would that nearly violent sign of affection drive Tezuka away? Would that give away Fuji's unrelenting need and deep endless affection for him? Fuji almost hated Tezuka for uncovering his disguise so easily. No one else would be able to bring out his true self, his true passion. No one but Tezuka. And he was the one and the only one Fuji gave the privilege of seeing his true self. Fuji was bound to him from the very second they met. He belonged to Tezuka, but who did Tezuka belong to?

Fuji peered at Tezuka, watching him staring at the dark ceiling above. What was he thinking? Fuji wanted to hold him tighter because he felt Tezuka was drifting away from him but remembered his place. He could only wonder quietly, wishing that he could reach out for him, feeling the distance between them growing. Was he thinking of leaving? Was he thinking of staying? Would he be hurt again? Would he ever be happy again?

"Tezuka?"

Tezuka looked at him through the curtain of darkness and wordlessly answered him. Fuji easily saw the confusion in his eyes along with affection and fear that he knew were reflected in his own eyes. He could feel them within his soul, seeking the warm embrace of it that Fuji never hesitated to give. He understood, he always did.

He didn't hesitate to kiss when Tezuka leaned down slightly because he knew Tezuka needed the connection and reassurance. With a sigh Fuji rolled on top of him for the second time that night, offering him everything he had. He watched as Tezuka hesitate but smiled anyway and waited and not persuaded because that's what Tezuka wanted him to do. He ignored the pain of passion, acutely aware of the role he was taking.

He has to wait.

* * *

_And I have sense to recognize but  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go  
I don't know how to let you go

* * *

  
_

Perhaps he should've ended it after that night. Perhaps he should've pretended nothing ever happened. Perhaps he should ignore Tezuka's unspoken needs. Perhaps he should've forgotten Tezuka. Perhaps he should move on.

But Fuji found himself glancing a second too long across the table. He found himself brushing hands with him when they walked side by side on vacant corridors. He found himself kissing Tezuka passionately in empty elevators. He found himself kissing Tezuka goodbye every morning before leaving after sharing pleasure all night long in Tezuka's hotel room.

The brilliance that his schoolmates had praised him for was gone. What little of it that remained agreed to Yuuta, reminding him over and over again of his agony over the past years. It told him to leave, to stop hurting himself, to find happiness elsewhere because he deserved to be happy, he deserved someone who chose him and his happiness over anything else.

But here he was, staring quietly at the wall of his office, listening intently to the ticking clock, waiting once again for Tezuka. He had given him choices the day they met after so long. He had offered Tezuka everything he had and after all the delay, it could wait no longer. Tezuka must make his decision today, to leave for a secure future or to stay and face the unknown with Fuji. The decision was in Tezuka's hand. All Fuji could do was to wait. He listened to the soft ticking of the hands of time, not knowing whether to want it to move faster or slower.

Perhaps he should apologize to Yuuta. After many years of strained relationship, they had finally acknowledged the fact that they cared deeply and wished for nothing but the best for each other. Yuuta had witnessed his suffering for many years and had kept his silence until he had had enough and demanded him to move on and forget and smile like he was supposed to. Yumiko's smile told Fuji that she knew, that she, too, wish for him to find his happiness. He didn't want her to read his future, fearing what he would learn then. Which was more painful, the anxiety for the unknown future or the knowledge of it?

His smile slowly lost its effect, his mask had slowly shattered to irreparable. His parents could read grief in him. He could no longer hide the pain stabbing his heart by every second he spent on his own. It was too obvious. It hurt too much for him to hide. It hurt too much for him to breath. It hurt too much for him to take. It hurt too much for him to move on.

Why? Why can't he just forget? Why wouldn't he allow himself to be happy? Why wouldn't he stop torturing himself with these hopes? Why couldn't he just forget Tezuka?

The answer was simple but true. He loves him.

He loves him with all his heart, his soul, his entire being. He had chosen where Tezuka couldn't. He chose him. He chose to love him, to wait for him, to keep loving him, to always love him. He understood the risk, took it even though he didn't know if the result would be worth it. He chose to crush his dreams and hopes that rose without fail every morning, at night when he lay alone in his bed, wishing for a familiar warmth to embrace his cold heart. He chose to not cry because it would bring nothing but more pain in the realization that he could not, would not take back his choice. He had chosen to love Tezuka.

Fuji closed his eyes and took a deep calming breath but the pain stayed, made his chest tighten more painfully than ever. He wished he would stop hoping but he couldn't. Despite all the hurt, there was that sliver of hope in his heart, the tiny thing that he clutched onto with all his might. Fuji smiled bitterly, knowing he lost this battle once again.

He knew without a doubt that he would wait. He knew that he would once again take the pain. It was insane, foolish, pathetic even. No one is supposed to give his entire life for someone else. He knew it well, had witnessed many commit the very same mistake. He witnessed Yumiko cry many times for men unworthy of her, lamenting her mistakes and the sacrifices she had made. Fuji always comforted her, telling her that everything would be all right, that she would find a better man who loved her, that she will find a man who made her happy… But Fuji couldn't say the same to himself. He couldn't tell himself that everything would be all right, that he would find a better man who loved him, that he would find a man who made him happy because he knew that he would never love anyone but Tezuka. He knew that he didn't mind the sacrifices he had to make and would have to make in the future. He didn't mind if it meant that there was a chance for him to remain in Tezuka's heart. Fuji smiled bitterly to himself. It was time for him to continue dreaming the probable. It was time for him to return to the shell he created as he lied in wait.

The sound of the door opening startled him. His secretary wasn't usually so impolite as to enter without asking permission. But the person closing the door behind him wasn't his secretary. Fuji stood up from his seat and stared at Tezuka, trying to hide his nervousness, hoping that the pounding of his heartbeat wasn't heard. What was he doing here? Wasn't he supposed to return to Germany today? Was he going to end it once and for all? Did he come back for him? He smiled slightly at his hopefulness, the little thing undeterred by pain. "I thought you're supposed to return today."

"I am." Tezuka said as he approached him. Fuji felt his body tremble slightly as his fear and hope overwhelmed him. When would the torment end? When would he stop hoping? When would he stop feeling pain? "I've made my decision."

"Oh?" Fuji replied as he tried to appear calm and strong vainly. He heard his voice crack slightly but he knew that Tezuka knew how he felt, what he wished for. Still, he would not persuade. He will wait for Tezuka's decision for it was his role.

Tezuka nodded. "I'm staying."

Fuji's heart skipped a beat but then he felt a rush of relief. His body lost its tension and as he walked around the table he felt light, as if a heavy burden had been lifted off him. A smile that curved his lips when he leaned in to claim Tezuka's lips in a long, tender kiss was real. For the first time in many, many years, Fuji was happy. And he knew that the happiness was here to stay.

OWARI

A/N: no need to be depressed! The happy ending is here! I strongly recommend listening to the song while reading though it's really rather sad. Can't help it, I love angsty song XP Review, please?


End file.
